Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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