Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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