Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
