Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
