actually, I'm a sock model
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
