i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
