I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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