This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
