also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Randomize
