if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize