Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
