just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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