Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize