I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
