Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize