I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
