I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
