I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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