Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
