dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
