Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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