I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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