she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
