his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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