After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
