There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
