im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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