her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
