I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
