I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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