There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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