I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
