So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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