last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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