Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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