his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
