I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
