my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
