i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
