i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize