Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
