I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Fuck appropriateness.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
