I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
