there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
