if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
