If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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