I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
