First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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