Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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