my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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