It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My vagina is very pro this idea
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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