my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
