dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
