In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
