i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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