Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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