We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
