I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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