I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am naked and annoyed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
