you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
