turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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