I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
